I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
he somehow instantly knew i was from vermont.
it probably had something to do with chasing your soco with maply syrup.
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
I got confused. The music was loud, porn was playing, people were grinding, there were hand jobs.
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