Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
You know you think of me naked too
Not since I found Jesus
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
He puked in the funnel and continued to chug it. Who is this dude?
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
