Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
Just got assigned a beer bong as hw in fluids to demonstrate the inverse of pascals principle. I love this prof
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
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