Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
My cousin had a baby so we have to look at it. Apparently the event is byob
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
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