You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
he just ran into my room in his giant penis costume yelling "supercock to the rescue"... I am still in total shock
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
