when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
Hey man sorry I got all grabby
OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
He went down on me in his escalade and his dick is bigger than my forearm. I'm never going back to white guys.
We just made a drinking game out of our chemistry review. This might explain my chemistry grade.
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
But we have bathrooms and they dont
Randomize
