I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
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