tonight lets celebrate not being married
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
Nothing better than going to Mass on Easter Sunday with "I love penis" henna tattooed across your back. Love your Indian culture.
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
Randomize
