his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
It was like the icing on a beautiful fuck boy cake.
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
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