i seriously hope you fucking die....you are the worst.
SHit! Sorry, sent to wrong person
Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
Randomize
