WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
koolaid chicken. i marinated it for 2 hours and roasted it on a rock in a fire. it was bright blue and raw. but that shit was tasty
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
You should really look at your snapstory. It has us screaming " MANSION DICK! SUCK IT! FUCK IT!" By the way im currently in a mansion and need you to pick me up
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
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