So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
im six kinds of drunk right now
finally cleaned my dorm for the first time all year. bleach is awesome.
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
Randomize
