Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
Eberyones makin fun of me cuz I found a snail and caught him and put him in a bocks for u
He said to me this morning that we should finish these beers, go and get plan B then on the way back, go to the pub to celebrate the death of our baby. I love Manchester.
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
I just want to have normal problems like what kind of puppy to get, or should I pay a hooker to fuck Scott, or even a dilemma about fucking Twizzlers. I don't know.
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
Randomize
