I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
I got a chicken sandwich and a frosty out of her. Better then having sex
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
Honest opinion...too aggressive to bring the funnel out to the bar? Also just so you know im at the bar. with the funnel.
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
Randomize
