I GOT MY PERIOD!
damn. i had names picked out.
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
I don't know how it happened, one minute we were talking about Huck Finn, the next minute I was blowing him behind the corner of his apartment building.
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
attractive or not, he has more than one book on serial killers. i'm gonna get out of here while i can
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
