i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
it was terrible. i could've done a better job by myself.
everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
I just came so hard my hamstring felt like it was going to tear. I am also now a screamer
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
wait you like me?? for my personality??
I know I was surprised too
Randomize
