My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
and he's drinking a bud lime in his profile pic meaning i can out drink him, meaning i would clearly be the alpha in our relationship
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
It's official. I'm gonna fuck hot art class guy. But this won't be like hot Samsung guy. I'm gonna make sure I follow through this time.
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
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