if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
Did u know that at any givin time there r 46,948,952 drunk people in the world? Were not alone
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
So add panera bread to the places i love to eat that i am potentially banned from.
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
They shoved things up my nose I feel violated
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
Randomize
