my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
i don't care if its just a preseason game, my pick up a guy and suck him off in the bathroom skills are in midseason form
cheese fries, coffee, with a side of dry heaving in the bathroom at the diner on campus at 5am. never felt better.
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
when i was on the highway she passed out and knocked my transmission into nuetral with her forehead...that was an experience
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