i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
Randomize
