Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
Yes. Ice cream tacos are an important aspect in the bridge of friendship
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
But what is a man profited, if he should gain Joe Biden and lose Alex Trebek?
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