remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
Now I'm watching The History of Sex on the History Channel. They're talking about how repressed the 30s were. I think I understand why grandma is such an angry person.
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
He was banging holes in the kitchen wall with pots. They tried to pull him away but only managed to pants him. He kept "drumming".
Ask her if said friend is decent looking or a wildabeast. Need to know if I need to top these 8 coronas off with a little tequila.
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
So maybe I got drunk and hooked up with him in a hot tub? I mean that's nothing to be ashamed of, that kind of takes talent. I'd drown.
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
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