If last night was a website it would be called poordecisions.com OR uncircumcisedspanishweiner.org
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
If we see one freshman that cummed on me, we are leaving.
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
So, I'm tripsitting Ruben cause he's on LSD, and he's starting to eat the chair because 'it is evil' according to him... I can't choose: should I stop him or film it?
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
Randomize
