I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
so for future reference,at what point did you feel like a line had been crossed?
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
Randomize
