My place. Tomorrow Night. Bring your liver, and something for it to do.
He brought over a 20 dollar bottle of wine. Who does that? This is college.
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
is 250 jello shots considered an open container?
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
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