ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
we ended up doing shots out of those medicine cups..swine flu finally did something good for me
I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
casual night just sitting in the kitchen at 2 am eating stale chips and hot sauce while my friends younger sister is cleaning all the blood off my body
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
Randomize
