Party's warming up, a tranny just got here...
thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
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