i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
I need a pic of your cock for our cock collage
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
