so we were having anal, both very very drunk when he started shouting his roomates name
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
Just got to school and somone already mentioned the amount of cereal im carrying.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
you're right. a strip only looks good in porn . mine just looks like a fucked up mullet
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
Like if it it's practical for your sexual health I'm allergic to it AKA REGULAR CONDOMS
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
I always knew ther was a reason why we're best friends
Obvs our love of drugs
I like to think of it more as our love of curiosity
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
Randomize
