I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
After watching Cinemax for a few months, real porn just grosses me out.
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
Is a 'Dr. Willy Fister Gynecologist' costume appropriate for work?
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
Randomize
