DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
We need to start having rules for the weekends. Like no more downing 3 shots because we want to slut dance a little harder or because biggie just came on.
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
either i blacked out mid-sex but remember the beginning and end, or he really only lasted a couple of minutes
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
the ball fondling will be left out of the trip recanting
Great I'll forever be branded as gym slut at the new gym.
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
We smell like vodka and hangover
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