A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
U know those big foam mats in the back gym for track?
ya, gonna go have sex there?
No I want one to have wings and pick me up and take me home
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
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