I think I'm in Tiajuana
You are not in Tijuana. I saw you an hour ago
I could be
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
You sucked the drug dealers dick for a 20 of coke...?
Nooo, I payed for that. I sucked his dick because I had an urge.
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
bad news.. campus security walked me home last night and when i tried to tell them where i lived they assured me they knew where our house was.
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Randomize
