She looks like Robin Williams dressed as a frog.
Should I be offended if he asked if he could use saran wrap to eat me out?
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
Come to the roof. We are drinking breakfast.
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
Randomize
