life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
Cause its not a drunken adventure unless someone ends up in a pool
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
Randomize
