If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate
Had to use the product locator on on the four loko website to find them at home. Got to go in the backroom of a grocery store to get them. Dedication.
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
Thanks for the pic It's going to be lovely dealing with my boner while I'm in a meeting with your father.
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
Randomize
