After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
my ass has officially been on the floor of every fraternity on this campus
and who said we didn't have goals?
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
thats the 2nd threesome ive been accused of this week
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
Randomize
