i just fell asleep at my computer and i woke up and in the google bar it said delicious foods to eat
Sitting in class thinking wow im glad im not hungover...and then i realized im still drunk.
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
I did the walk of shame wearing his scrubs. Fucking med school students is the way to go.
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
Randomize
