Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
he put his p in my v, then his p in my a, and then tried to put the p in my m? first, double dipping is rude. second, i'm glad he finished shortly after that, i'm afraid of where he'd try to stick it next. my ear?
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
Shaving your vagina at 8 months pregnant is not an easy chore.
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
Dude a gay guy just Sparta kicked this Samoan guy for calling him a flamer you need to get down here the free kamakazee shots haven't even started yet
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
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