you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
I found my old addy guy via fb who clearly understands the supply and demand curve of addy during finals so he's gonna hook me up.
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
I knew we were gonna fuck after she told me she's seen that Porno before
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
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