Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
Confirmed. Vegetarians give terrible head.
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
The only difference is Iv never super glued straws to your nipples.
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
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