My hand turned me down
he refuses to go down on me anymore when he's high because he thinks my clit piercing stares at him
I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
hot pretzels for dinner, snacks, and now breakfast...oh to be a poor college student...everyday is like a carnival.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
Man, jail baloney is awful.
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
Cock is NEVER random. You may quote me on that.
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
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