Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
It's confirmed. We did xmas carol the grocery store across the street from his building at 2:30am... Only the staff was there.
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
I've slapped too many boys and done too many naked laps for it only to be 10:30pm
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
Randomize
