Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
dude sorry but u no that when a guys 'likes' ur pic on facebook it only means he was just jacking off to it.
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
All the drunken hookups over the last year are self destructing, at least something is keeping nursing school interesting
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
WHAT IS ALL THIS WATER BOTTLE FLIPPING NONSENSE? WHAT IS LIT?
YOUTHS.
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
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