my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
sex on the stairs. not our finest idea.
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
It was a fun night! I woke up with a boyfriend, again....
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
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