She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
i get tired of guys telling me there married or they have a girlfriend. they act like it concerns or matters to me
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
Home. Hour long discussion with mom. Very frightened. Eating a sausage. Don't remember making it. Confused.
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
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