If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
When did we start counting Thursdays as weekends?
When we got our fake ids in grade 11, why?
I just feel like it's time to start counting wednesdays as well...
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
HOW MANY BOYS NOT ONLY APPROVE OF YOUR PLAN TO BECOME POCAHONTAS, BUT WANT TO MAKE SURE YOU DO IT RIGHT? One, the answer is one, and he is the best and if anyone ever tries to steal him I can assure you they will never be heard from again
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
Randomize
