4:12a: just got back to his place now. I don't want to talk about it
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
he needs to stop knowing everyone on campus...it's making cheating on him really difficult.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
this hospital has no fireball
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
What the hell kind of sad excuse for a bottom are you
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
Randomize
