seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
i wiped a booger on my final. end of semester present.
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
so i might have figured out why that girl isn't talking to me...I'm 90% confident I didn't give her a pillow when she stayed over >.>
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
CRAIGSLIST IS NOT THE ANSWER
IM LONELY AND HORNY
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
