Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
Is it appropriate to get drunk, stand up at the wedding and make a toast to "the time the lovely bride asked me to come on her chest"?
our generation is not ready to get married
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
I still have the video of you three making soup in my kitchen and asking random people for permission DURING the party, not after like usually
Don't remember, didn't happen
I HAVE THE VIDEO YOU DICK IT HAPPENED
He looks like an accountant with a secret kinky candy filled center.
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
Randomize
