covered in glitter, my cheek hurts, and theres a handprint on my face. Would i do it again. Absolutly
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
he put a condom on for a handjob WTF
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
Randomize
