I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
I just want to jump into a ballpool of dicks now.
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
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