I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
You're probably reading this when you wake up from your "nap" in the front yard. Maybe next week you should go to class, and not start Thirsty Thursday at 9:30 in the morning.
Well she started to strip and when she slung her hair at me, she painted my face with sweat. A LOT OF SWEAT. It was a weird boner.
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
might I remind you I fucked a 21 year old and almost did coke with strangers? you definitely came out on top
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