you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
I have to cancel. My sons dad is out of jail unexpectedly and i'm kinda an emotional wreck. P.s. This is not the life I dreamed of as a little girl.
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
When do you want to get tanked and forget our entire college education?
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
So he got the TA job but i told him its not official until we have a quickie on his desk. He offered to break into his office. He doesnt start until this fall.
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
Randomize
