she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
we were taking shots of hot tequila, which is even worse than it sounds
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
watching my parents drink 4 loko out of usf cups playing pool and rocking out to ACDC...
Can I come live with you?
i just traded 2 rolls of toilet paper for half a water bottle of vodka. i love college
Oh that could end badly if you get them mixed up.. you know who I think you should focus on?? THE ONE WITH THE BIG BLACK COCK, just sayin
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
Randomize
