she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
the next morning i told him i was impressed that he remembered my name. he said it wasn't that hard when "tracy
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
Yea he called the cop officer fonzarelli and asked him if he was mad because happy days was off the air. Boom, beaten and arrested
Happy Thanksgiving! Hope its not too awkward that your dad and your boyfriend are the same age.
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
My life is pants optional.
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