i effin hate jeff goldbloom.
but i totally would still bang him
I fuked that chick last night and she kept saying, "oh...oh....oh", like Bill Lumberg
so what did you do?
I did the mash I did the monster mash It was a graveyard smash!
i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
college stoner meal of the day: microwaved nutrigrain bars
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
Just puked most of my soul out..
Randomize
