The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
TGIFridays...stall number 1...drunk...send help
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
I was fed cake in bed and then was pinned down and ridden till I came. And then fed more cake. I'm going to marry Brad. I'll put money on it.
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
