hook me up with the drugs dog keep up the good work
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
Hey, it's Thrasher! From the hospital!
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
So what if is hockey, you don’t turn down sex with a professional athlete. They work out all day and have amazing stamina. Your vagina will thank you!
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