everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
Well I don't think you can suck his dick while he's making pizza. I think that goes against some health codes.
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
